So, I should have seen this coming. I jinxed myself in saying that I would not get the lonerz. What I'm about to describe is, I think, a kind of mix between the lonerz and culture shock. It's really personal, but I decided that it was important to share because it's a big part of the experience.

So, in Singapore, I became really close with 4 other girls from Indonesia, Malaysia, the Phillipines, and New Zealand. I was also sharing a room with Sarah, a woman who works at the office, who lived in new york for 8 years and who totally gets all of my references and sense of humor and vice versa. She is also really knowledgeable about sexuality and all of the theories that I study. I had little contact with anyone else for the week so it was just like being in this happy little bubble where I could just totally be myself and best of all, be appreciated for it.

That has made returning to the office hard because I've noticed things I didn't really understand before. I see very clearly how differently people see me here than I can even begin to explain. I really didn't pick up on it at first, but I think that the fact that I am ivory white and western really impacts what people hear when I speak, what they see when I wear something, or make a certain expressions. My words and actions hit completely different keys than I mean them too, and I can't even begin to understand the consequences. But I still feel them. Oh, boy, do I feel them.

Even on top of that, I hide so much about who I really am when I'm at the office. I hide my sense of humor, my interests, my atheism. I would tuck away my assertiveness and opinion if I didn't think keeping it was the only way to get my work done. Because I can't be who I want to be, or who I am, and because of all this history that I feel like is plastered all over my body, they really just don't know what I'm really about. And what's worse, I know that they would not like me if they did know what I was about. And you know what? That really sucks.

I've been trying so hard for two months to make myself into someone who is acceptable to the people who work here, but I'm just seeing now how out of my hands it is. It's not like they don't LIKE me, but none of them are like inviting me home for dinner or anything. Or asking me how I'm feeling after being away from my family and friends and culture for two months.  

And it's really difficult to figure out that something you've been working really hard at is hopeless; that I won't be able to scale those cultural walls, even as someone else.  So that's that whole mess. I know that this is common, I just wanted to articulate it. I'm also fully aware of how pathetic the "poor little white girl" story is so I'm not exactly feeling sorry for myself. But I just feel like the next 20 days in the office will be a little more difficult now that I am more aware of the cultural divide. And it will be harder to keep myself as chipper as I've been the past 2 months.  

Then again, the clouds may clear in a few hours and I'll forget about this moment entirely. I never know how the winds will play with my mood here on the other side of the planet.  

I love you all. Blog entry on Singapore soon!

Clara