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To change or not to change
Written on: Thursday July 16th, 2009
A journal entry from: Kuala Lumpur
To change or not to change? My assignment is to describe how I've adapted or how I've managed to not adapt to my new surroundings, both in a superficial way, in terms of customs and the way I speak, and the way that I think about things or react to things.
I have changed. That much is clear. If you have been keeping up with my blog, I imagine you have noticed that. Trying to figure out what exactly has changed is a harder question. I find that many of the ways that I have changed have been personal and derived not from my experience in Malaysian society, but from being able to see who I am when I need to eat, get around, survive completely on my own on the other side of the planet, and being away form those that I have taken to be an extension of myself for so long. Whatever it is, I like it.
Kuala Lumpur as a city, I will say very cautiously, has not challenged me too too much. I have lived in New York City, I am used to having to assert my will over cars and ignore that man that is just a little too close for comfort (though here the cars are much more of a problem and the men are much less of a problem). Everyone works from 9-5, there are malls everywhere, and I've already tasted a lot of the things that I eat (but there are some things are just too foreign---like durian). And I have been very very lucky to find great friends who appreciate me for who I am, even if my values and customs are different than theirs. In fact, they can speak to me like they have the same values, with no tone of judgement or curiosity in their voice, just like it would be normal for them as well. They have supported me very much while I try to figure it all out.
I was just reading Maggie's blog where she asked herself a really important question: am I really doing enough? This is something that I have been struggling with as well. One of the important personal aspects of this trip has been to see what I can do when I am alone, which also means being happy alone. I have traveled alone, I go shopping alone, I eat at restaurants alone. I've learned to love my own company, and to be satisfied with knowing my own thoughts on something rather than having to run and tell someone about it. I''ve also gotten more in touch with what I want, rather than what is best for every one around me and how to works towards achieving my own goals rather than put so much energy into other people achieving theirs. In this way I have definitely pushed myself. I've hit kind of a rough point where I've been sliding back into introverted habits, but I am determined to regain that habit this weekend. The struggle has been trying to give myself that space to grow confident in my ability to rely only on myself, and to give as much as possible to those around me. So, I've taken up teaching English at the YWCA where I live every Tuesday and Thursday nights. I got a late start, and thus have only taught 3 classes and will only have taught a total of 11 by the time I leave. On tuesday I was too tired, lazy, and intimidated and I cancelled the class. It's the first time I allowed myself to do so, and I regret it. Last night, (wednesday) I went downstairs to meet some of the girls who asked me to meet with them just to improve their language skills. I don't even know if they showed up, because within 5 minutes I was surrounded by 15 girls who wanted to know everything about me, were trying so hard to communicate with me, were so happy to just hear about my family. I showed them pictures of my sister's wedding and they commented about how much I look like my mom, and how handsome my brother is!!! Many gasps from the girls. They loved the kissing pictures of Louise and Boo! And it made me realize how silly it was to miss an opportunity to spend time with them. I have another class tonight. But still, like Maggie, I wonder how much I am really doing for them, and know that I am probably getting more out of it than they.
Before coming to KL to work for IPPF, I was very nervous. I spent the whole year learning in International Studies how western NGOs asserted western culture and customs onto people, and how it created a lot of tension between certain cultures and concepts that the NGOs were working with. I struggled with it a bit the first month, like when a friend of mine said that seeing a woman fully covered while her boyfriend wore a t-shirt and shorts "made her blood boil," I wasn't sure what to say. Was it her choice? How can we judge her relationship? Chris said something about the muslim women being "objectified" because their appearance was reserved only for their husbands. Objectified. This is such a western feminist term, I really have no idea how it would apply to that situation. Working at IPPF, reading documents on how many people believe that women should not have the right to refuse to have sex with their husbands, how many are forced to have children, and how many are beaten on a regular basis really affirmed what I had decided was the most important factor: Choice. Do what you want, but you need to have the information and ability to choose who you marry, when to have sex, what you want to wear, when to have kids. Be a housewife. Be a sex worker. Wear a headscarf. Whatever, but be fully informed and decide for yourself. Call me an individualistic western colonizer, I don't care. Too many people live without a means to protect themselves, and thats why AIDS is still rampant, why people are still impoverished, why so many children die. Suck up your "values" and provide safe and affordable abortions, birth control, and condoms, or otherwise meet your fate on judgement day when you are responsible for millions of unnecessary deaths of men women and children in the name of God.
Superficially, I have opted to dress a little more on the conservative side unless I am with a male friend. I LOVE RICE. Nasi Lemak is probably one of the best things I've ever had, as well as Beef Rendang which apparently takes hours to cook and I can get for about 5 ringgit some places. I try to say no as little as possible, but, well, I've tried to be less assertive at home and that never really worked so I can't imagine it's making much of a difference here. However, I do hold my tongue when a stranger says or does something very rude or hateful, which is new. I walk slower. I don't smile on the street anymore :( but that will return as soon as I am back :) annnnnnd I use squat toilets like a pro!
xo Clara
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From Ilana on Jul 17th, 2009
Clara, I am so proud of you.
From Mom on Jul 18th, 2009
You look so at home with these girls, they are all so beautiful. I love that you are so comfortable with other cultures. The photo also reminds me when I was marrooned on a beach in Figi and accepted shelter in a girl's school in the jungle.